Appreciation

(None of this is aimed at any one person. If you don't believe me, carry on to the following introduction.)

Lately (by which I mean, increasingly cumulatively over much of the course of my life, finally culminating here, tonight) I have been thinking about appreciation. What it means, and what it entails, and what it looks like in actuality.

Saying that someone has done a good job, is all well and good. Appreciation days, appreciation dinners, (delectable appreciation CREPES, like we had at my work!!) etc. are all very nice. Telling someone that you like having them around is always welcome. But what does it mean to actually appreciate someone?

The dictionary speaks thus:

ap-pre-ci-ate
VERB:

1. To recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of.
2. To be fully aware of or sensitive to; realize.
3. To be thankful or show gratitude for.
4. To admire greatly; value.

Normally "appreciation" covers the last two, at very best. And those are nice enough. It does feel good to hear that someone loves you, or that they think you're doing really great at your job, or to be thanked for help you have given. But I'm sort of over those things-- in the sense of, if I had the option of choosing one option or another, I'd opt for the former two. (Assuming as I am, of course, that choosing "all of the above" was not provided as an option on this particular survey.)

So. You want to front like you appreciate me?

Ask me about the things that are most important to me, not just the things about me that are interesting to you. Every once in a while, stop to remember that I would give my friends the shirt off my back if they needed it (or if I guessed that they needed it). Don't just say you enjoy spending time with me, make time for me, go out of your way to see me. Remember that I am here and have my own struggles and issues and heartbreaks, even when I am willing to set them aside for a time to let you rant about yours. Stop asking what I do for a living to make small talk, and instead actually care when I tell you about my day. Don't forget about me. Stop writing off 99 amazing things for the 1 thing you see as a flaw. Give me credit where credit is due, especially when it's a matter of my effort to improve myself or my relationship with you. Don't pretend that where I am now, comes easy. Remember what I'm drinking at the bar and what I like to eat. If you want to tell me something you appreciate about me, point out the victories that you know were hardest-won. Do not come in and out of my life at will and think that you can live off just the good parts. If you want respect from me, show it to me as well, because I am growing ever more wary of those around me whom I cannot trust but who know that I am loving, and loyal, and kind. If you've wronged me, simply apologize; forgiveness and hugs are among my favorite things, and I do not have the energy to hold a grudge-- but neither will I stand by as you try to tread all over me in the same old ways. Find out about me-- know my history, my old wounds, my goals, my triumphs. When I tell you that I'm sorry, or that I care, or that I just don't understand, or that I am really trying-- I'm not lying; please just believe me. Be the one to call me first. Don't pretend to be my friend but make me beg. Smile when I walk into the room. Don't ignore me when I speak to you. Make me feel like my being in your life matters. Don't have a double standard for how you treat me and how you expect me to treat you. Don't try to control me by holding onto me with one hand and pushing me away with the other (because, anyway, I'm onto you). Don't play games, in general. I am straightforward. I will tell you how I feel, why I feel that way, and want to know the same things about you. Don't tell me you admire something I'm trying to accomplish, while all the while you are doing things to undermine me at every step along the way.

I am tired now. I'm going to bed. I'm just worn out of people being really passive aggressive. If you appreciate somebody, just ask like it for once. And this goes for everybody in your life, not just me. The specifics may be different, but you probably can figure some things out. Because you will mess it up. You will, at some point, say the wrong thing, or be really selfish, or jealous or vindictive or something else really nasty in that relationship. (And by "you," I mean "people," most certainly including myself in that analysis.) So that is why you need to actually show how you feel about that person, 99% of the time.

Baptism

As you may know, this morning I was baptized. It was awesome.

First, to back up a bit, this is my amazing church: Pathways Church. It's just a couple of blocks from me, and I love, love, love it. I wish I could be there every day of the week. So anyway, that's where another woman, me, and a father and son got baptized today. (More to come this evening! I'm excited to go back and get to witness them from a more spectator viewpoint, instead of the about-to-be-baptized and dripping-wet-outside-the-door viewpoints.)

Secondly, earlier this week Gil (the pastor) asked me to write up a brief bit about what brought me to this place. I didn't have anyone take pictures this morning (sorry to those who requested them-- I had enough going on this morning!) but thought I'd post that here. (And no, I did not have to read it myself... Gil read them.)

"I was raised in the church. I grew up knowing all the “right answers” about God. Yet it always seemed like everyone around me was so much more secure in their faith than I was. Others seemed to sail through incredible struggles with unwavering belief, whereas I always needed to know “why.”

"I’ve never doubted that there was a God, because I see the overwhelming beauty of creation around me. But there have been many times when I feared that God was not the loving, personal savior that I longed for. In recent years, broken relationships and unfulfilled dreams made it easy for me to write God off. I was so caught up in my own plans for myself, it was hard to accept that God might have something different in mind. So I moved 1,000 miles to a city where I knew virtually no one, hoping for a new chance to create the future I’d hoped for. What I found instead was the greatest uncertainty, loneliness and doubt that I’ve ever experienced. It seemed like God had failed me.

"Fortunately, God didn’t write me off. Patiently and persistently, he kept dropping small reminders of his presence and his love, just waiting for me to recognize them. My life may not be exactly how I planned it, but I am starting to see that the best things in my life have come about when I got exhausted from trying to control everything, gave up, and made room for God to work. I am starting to realize that he has a vision and a plan for me that is much bigger than anything I could come up with.

"I still don’t have anywhere close to all the answers, but I’m starting to look for them in the right places. It’s still not easy in the hard times, to trust that God knows what’s best for me and loves me even when I don’t feel like loving myself. But I’m trying to keep in sight the amazing grace of having Jesus as my eternal savior and guide as I continue to fumble through life. I chose to be baptized today as a symbol to myself, to God, and to my faith family that I am seeking to follow God’s direction now, even if I don't know where it might lead me."

Part II:

I went back for the evening service, because I wanted to see the other baptisms, wanted to actually be able to worship and listen to the message without being nervous about my own upcoming baptism, etc. (I suppose I should note that the services are the same, or this explanation would seem rather random.) It. Was. Amazing. If you're around in Denver, or ever visiting, when a baptism service at Pathways rolls around, I'll be persuading you to come along. God is in that place. (All the time, I mean. Not just on baptism days.) Being at Pathways is sort of like going to an extended family reunion-- there's all these people who you don't really know, but they all love you anyway.